I have never been so mad..

see this date properly..
its a date to be remembered by me..
6 August 2011.. 9.55a.m...
look at it long and hard then look at the calender..
its just a normal day right?
normal oni la.. of coz...
i have never been so mad i wanna cry...
everything bottled up just came gushing out..

i dunno is it my upbringing or is it my own fault..
well, most of the time im always the one blaiming myself for all the wrong doing..
but today, i shall become selfish..
i am ditched like F**K today..
is my voice soft?
or wait, ur ears are not made for mine?
hmm?
the whole journey back, i was so mad in my head i can just breakdown on the floor right there and there..
seriously, i think u are damn happy...
so damn happy u feel like jumping up and down..
i know other people are more important...
come on, who will look at me? hmm?
do i have to announce that IM HERE??!!

i got ditched really badly and im still so damn hurt now..
i am always the shy lonely person who cant talk to people..
i dun have much friends..
i go laughing..
i cant even have a friend that i wont doubt except for one..
i cant even talk to people because i might hurt others..
i seriously have pulled myself lower than ever..

and now, this thing happens..
i can actually feel myself jumping down..
ok seriously i need a serious therapy talking..
just because of one small thing, i got into such a serious mode..
u know, i have been living in my lonely world for a very long time..
i cant even find a space that is filled with lights..
except for the spotlight in the far corner just beside me..
and now, everything seems to close apart and im seriously damn sad now..
i can actually feel that im just a normal girl, in everyone's normal life..
im not someone to be thought about..
im not someone that anyone can remember..
remember things back..
i do get ditched a lot of times..

i had sacrifice too much alr..
i listen to other people but never myself..
and when i do, this happens..
u know.. i really do feel suicidal now.. so i better stop writing...
bye bye..


SAD


p/s: if u think it's u, YES, its u!! im pushing this in ur face now.. ITS F**KING YOU!!

Why?

Why think so much when you can ignore?

Why work so hard when you can give up?

Why try your best when it's impossible?

Why put yourself in misery when you can be happy?

Why sad when it's nothing?

Why am I crapping when I'm suppose to be sleeping?


=.=

All I Want To Do Now is Cry..

seriously...
i cant cry..
no matter how badly hurt i am inside but i cant cry...
part of me pushes tears out, part of me pushes tears me..
my head is so messed up now i cant think straight..
i have done the worst thing that i can do in my whole life..
i cant describe it here.. (too personal)

one by one small pieces of me is dropping away into a bottomless pit..
i wonder if i can find anyone who can take it back and repair me..
but i will only be a lifeless zombie..
smiling into space...

the more i write, the more im dying..
so this ends here..
good night people...

I hope..

i hope i can be a librarian..

i can look at books all day..

arranging books back on the shelf and arrange it slowly..

surrounded by books...

i cant ask for more...

im a nerd.. -gasps-

Hmm.....

Talk! I say Talk!!!

come on!!!

TALK!!!!!!!!!!

all i can do now is shout in my blog...

ahduii....

im having a poker face now..

=.=

It's Weird

Sometimes i find myself really weird..

not just the whole dual personality thing..

but also the way i act..

i am so scared of talking in fear of saying the wrong things and hurt others..

by the way i speak and the words i say..

the way i move and the actions i do..

i will regret after doing something or say something that i think i shouldn't..

even when i know, it's too late for me to say sorry..

im just afraid people will hate me although im clear that there will always be someone out there that will hate me..

im not perfect..

no one is..

but still that regret will never go away..

i really hope i will not be like this but i do really hope there is someone out there that can cure this thing of mine..

the more i say, the more low confidence i get...

i mean my confidence level now i can guess is negative 10..

its still going down one by one every single day..

i wonder if one day i will get my confidence up to positive, even only 1..

im kinda feeling really insecure now..

he fits everything but i may not fit what he wants..

im starting to feel ike giving it up but luckily there are friends around me that will hit my head when i mentioned it..

its nice to have such friends..

there are people who tried to help me to make this work...

am really grateful to them..

if fate does not approve, then oh well, you know the rest..

my head is really messed up now..

i better not type too much..

i dun even understand what im typing..

bye peeps..

have a nice day~

A Beautiful Nightmare..

yesterday night was the happiest night i ever had and the worst one i will never forget..

i really feel like giving up now..

after successfully found a perfect guy with everything I expected,

everything came crashing down..

u know.. if and only if i did not have this stupid big fat mouth,

i would have survived and not ruined my petty life..

i doomed my own life..

funny thing is that i thought my sister would understand me..

me, the girl who always put family and friends above her but my first priority is family..

and because of food, everything goes down...

u know..

im so down right now, my sweat feels like tears..

no tears can flow out of my eyes..

im going crazy..

u make me crazy..

i have been messing my brains up..

i couldnt do anything because i was afraid of saying anything wrong..

i pulled myself down too low, i felt like an ostrich..

(put my head in the ground but my body is still there)

im going to make everyone reading this to go emo like me..

ok la.. dats all..

gonna update soon..

but not in the weekend...

going back..

bye peeps..

peace out~

Wanna Know What I Wish To Do Now?

1. bang head on the wall

2. thrash a shop full of glass without getting scolded

3. talk to someone about everything without worrying it will get out

4. jump down a building using bungee jumping

5. sit a roller coaster and yell my lungs out

6. yell my lungs out on top of the hill/mountain

7. shopping

8. emo alone in the corner

9. cry

apparently, im having PMS.. just ignore me..