Buck up and Live your life!

I have the worst days in my life: working life. It's the life where you better swim or you sink. The life of an auditor. It's not as glamorous as the name would sound. The Auditor. That could be a show's name. But the life is not as it seems. Work till late night, wake up before the sun rises. Plus working in a congested city of Kuala Lumpur.
An auditor survives with people skills, constant stress and the need to be persistent and hardworking. People skills are essential because we survive with communicating to clients and other potential clients. And this is where to trouble begins. I have zero to nothing social skills. I don't talk to people unless they talk to me first. I am metaphorically a robot. You talked to me, i reply. You asked me to do work, i do. So, that is how hard it is for my every working day. I will sit quietly in my desk until someone approaches me.
I don't talk to strangers. Except for the aunties selling food.
This is a vicious world. One mistake and you are out. Not fired, but no future. People will know you, give you almost nothing to do because they don't trust you with it. Word will spread like wildfire. Gaining back the trust is like picking up chicken feathers spread on the road overnight. You may get some of it back but not all of it.
It truly has been hard but i have my wonderful friends to thank. He reminded me that I have not fallen to the lowest but am climbing up. I have a wonderful boyfriend that doesn't mind sacrificing his time for me, I have been living my life, joining walk events, I have wonderful friends that keeps in touch, I play DnD and MMORPG, I am doing a professional degree, top 10 hardest in the world, interning in a medium firm that I don't even know if I can get into. I am already half way towards a badass chick. Yeah, just these few words, they had made my shoulders much lighter. Thank you, Ali.

Just 4 and 3/4 months to go.

Giving up.

I am at the verge of giving up. I really really hope this is all the fault of the excessive hormones in my body. My patience is at the limit. Everything I do is only trying to please you, I almost forgot myself. I am turning into some stranger that I don't even know.
I keep trying to remind myself of how good you are and your good points to cover the pain but how long must that last? How long will it take till I get tired of this? How long more will my patience last? How long should I lie to myself?
This is probably hormones speaking but I guess, sometimes, I can't help it. Or maybe I just don't understand you. Or maybe everything is just me and my fault.

Insecurities.

It is not easy to get used to something new. I'm already hating myself. Now, I have t learn how to love someone else. Have to work hard on that.
Every single mistake that I make, makes me think that it might disappoint him.
Every words that I said, makes me think that he might hate me for it.
I have to think before I act, before I speak.
I am so scared of everything and there is no one else to help me but myself.
I need to buckle myself up for this.
I don't want to give up.
But i am afraid of losing him.
Being too cautious is really giving me a headache.
Apparently, holding a conversation with him is the key to the relationship, yet that is the hardest thing for me.
Need to learn more on how to talk.
I really hope this will go away.
Please go away, stupid insecure feelings.

Hate

It's so easy to make people hate me. I should do it more.

Too late.

Wow. Another too late case. Alright. Okay. Take it like a man, girl!

Problems.

I swear to you, from this day forth, i shall not relay my problems to anyone. Because there is no one out there i can trust anymore.

Problems.

I know my problems are just so tiny and minute compare to your huge problems. But all i want is people to talk to. How hard can it be to just listen?
Just because I'm that sensitive, i see things bigger than it suppose to be. Oh, im sorry for wasting so much of your time. Just leave me alone. Isnt it better?

Sorry.

I am sorry I can't love you the way you did but I hope one day you will find someone who will.

Save me.

There is no one out there that can save me anymore. I am beyond repair. It's for the best for the world when there is no me. I'm so tired of everything. Just so tired.

Leave Me Alone!

This few days, A has been so so so so so damn annoying. I really want to avoid if i can. He gets on my nerves too much and I think i am in the verge of tearing him apart.
It is so hard to cope with this kind of people. I know i will meet more people like him one day but he is just too annoying for me. I really want to scream in his face to leave me alone.
The biggest regret i ever had is electing him as my successor. He is practically so annoying right now. My blood is boiling because of him, I can't sleep, and now, problems just start collapsing above me.
Isn't it better to leave me alone? You all hate me anyway. I'm weird, I talk weird, i look weird, I'm stupid so just go away. Isn't it better like that than to tolerate me?
Just go away.
Just go away.
Leave me alone!

No more.

From these days forth, I will never hang out with you guys anymore, I will never talk to you guys anymore, I will never approach you guys anymore.
I will disappear, I will run away, I will not be anywhere near you guys.
Because I know my existence only taint your happiness.
Thank you for all these time. I think I had enough. And I can guess all of you had enough of me too.

Quirkiness and Weirdness.

Is it me or people just can't handle weirdness? I admit I am very weird. I mumble to myself, sometimes i yell and scream at the smallest problem, I can laugh at anything, I am amused by the smallest joke, I can get really cranky at times, I get pissed off easily, I find people annoying and I hate going out because I hate people. I hate people because of the ugliness of the world where everyone would do anything to get what they want or people that has no empathy or sympathy, people who are always self-centered and stingy, power and money minded people. It is just unbearable to go outside and face this kinds of things.

I agree that there is so much more than what I see. There is love and friendship and so much more but ugliness has already clouded my mind and I don't see any solution of things becoming better.

Back to topic, I tend to speak or talk really loudly unintentionally. People will avoid me at all cost. I lose a friend because of that. I tend to not take care of my looks. People avoid me. I tend to not talk to other people because I am shy. People ignore me. I hate arguments so I always kept quiet when someone wants to argue with me. People just walk away and never looked back.

A lot of people can never understand me. They won't accept me for who I am. They want me to change into the same image of every other human beings on the planet. I am sorry but I can't do that. I am who I am. I won't start wearing make-up because you tell me too. I won't stop eating what I want just because you say I am fat. I won't wear a skirt because I have my reasons and I don't even think it's nice. So, right now, I will have to learn how to 'don't give a damn' to people out there. Hate me, I still can survive alone. I am LoneRangerZz for a reason.

p/s: If you know me so well, I ask you this. What is my favourite colour?

Friends.

I somehow loses my friends very easily. One, they moved away. Two, lost contact with them. Three, they forgets about me. Four, they avoid me because of my attitude.
I get really really sad when i lose a friend. It's true that people will leave you anytime, anywhere, but it's still so sad when one leaves. It's like a part of you just dies off. And scrapping that part off is not easy.
But what can I do. It's not like i can force them to stay. It's not like they will listen to me. Everyone has to move on one day. It's so sad.

I have a friend who doesn't even think I am a friend. i got ignored. It is the saddest feeling when it happens. Can't people just tell me in my face when they don't want me around? It's better to just tell me.

Karma's a bitch.

Love

It is such a weird thing. It comes at the weirdest moments, took you by surprise, swept you off your feet, and you landed on your back with either an arm stretched or the cold hard floor waiting for you. It is true that people can leave without love. In this context, it means, love between 2 different, non-related individuals. Love between siblings and family members, pets and other non-existence things are different.

It hurts a lot when all you hear from the one is bla bla bla, this girl, bla bla bla, that girl, bla bla bla, i like her, bla bla bla. I feel like punching you in the guts but that will be impossible. I saw a post in Facebook by one of the animes. It hit really hard on me.

So, now you're going to hate me?

I wish I could. 

Tears won't flow.

I have been watching numerous sad movies, series, whatever I can find. I have been listening to so many sad musics. I have watched the saddest episode for Doctor Who. I still can't seem to get these heavy tears of anguish, pain and sadness flow. Everything is balled up into one huge dark ball, ready to be released. But why wouldn't it release or go away when I want it to be. It is so heavy, keeping it to myself like this. The feeling inside is so painful I really hope i just ask it to go away. Please just go away.

Silence.

Just going to keep quiet and take in all the pain all by myself. Why? Because I have no one. No one wants a stupid, emo, useless, immature friend right?

Understand.

Sometimes, you have to understand that I am not you. Everyone is different and everyone has different opinions. Just because I let you step on my head doesn't mean you can take everything take for granted.

Wishes.

People wish to be happy, have a life, money, love and happiness. I wish to be dead, not even born, not born this way.

Tired.

I am so sorry but I am so tired of everything now.

Update.

Have you ever felt like you are going to literally die, not wake up anymore to see the world tomorrow? I did. A couple of days ago. I thought I am not going to wake up anymore if I sleep. But here I am, still alive, writing this post, hoping that I have died instead.

The world is against you, people look at you like you are crazy, everyone is avoiding you, and all you can do is held back all those sissy useless tears that will bring you nowhere and move on. I stayed in the corner all my life, never going anywhere. Some say they are really shy people. Are you that shy that you can shut up the whole day if anyone did not talk to you first? Are you that shy that no one notices you in their group conversation? Are you that shy that when people just pokes and makes fun of you, you just smile and hopefully the hurt will just go away? A lesson to people out there: when you don't talk a lot, nobody will believe you. They only hear from those that talks a lot.

People thinks I am plain crazy. I get emotionally all the time and gets angry really easily. But can't they ever understand that there is always something behind it that makes me angry at first. And imagine that that anger is kept for decades, ready to explode like a popcorn? All they hear is just a one sided story. And the conclusion is just made by that story. -Hey, let's just ignore her! I hate her emo days. I don't understand why she emos all the time. She is so annoying. On such a small thing, she can emo. It is her fault that this thing happens. She is so stupid.- Let me just go back to my corner, while they have the pleasure of seeing me hurt.

I think of suicide all the time. I mean if i actually drop head first, i think the 3rd floor might already be enough for me. How about cutting my wrist? Hmm. I actually hate slow death. As fast as possible will do. Jumping a building works. Jumping a bridge, nah. The world will definitely be a better place without me, right?

I am currently having a huge depression on my head, I hate studying what I am studying now, but of course I can't tell my parents that I want to quit studying. I actually thought that death is the only way out of this black hole.

She thinks she is always right. I am always the wrong one. All she has to do is just smile and expects forgiveness in the end. She talks to people more than I do, and has more friends, which is a huge advantage to bring my confidence down. Hey, she might be spouting nonsense about me to the world, the hell do I know. You may think, I am the worst to doubt a friend, and a best friend at that. Yeah, sure. Try having a best friend who told everyone the darkest secret of your life to the world. And all she did is smile and apologize. And she still thinks it is my fault that I made her cry.  Just because I never cry, everyone thinks i am the stone cold, useless person. Stereotypes.

I really do want to jump now. Not because I am bitching about my best friend, but because of all the things that is happening to me. I really do want to die.