Giving up.

I am at the verge of giving up. I really really hope this is all the fault of the excessive hormones in my body. My patience is at the limit. Everything I do is only trying to please you, I almost forgot myself. I am turning into some stranger that I don't even know.
I keep trying to remind myself of how good you are and your good points to cover the pain but how long must that last? How long will it take till I get tired of this? How long more will my patience last? How long should I lie to myself?
This is probably hormones speaking but I guess, sometimes, I can't help it. Or maybe I just don't understand you. Or maybe everything is just me and my fault.

Fucked up

I just fucked up my whole life. Once a bright student, now I find myself a disappointment.
Due to my increasing level of laziness, I did the following:

• Skipped too many classes
• No assignment group mates which causes me to miss out 20 marks.
• Fall back on my studies.

This semester has been hard for me. I am a very lazy person in nature. And karma hits me back double. I have been counted lucky a few times. I guess this is where my luck is gone. I shouldn't have relied on luck too much.
Sometimes, I do think of giving up and just suicide. But this won't change anything. It will still make my family and friends sad. I have to buckle up and try to score this semester.
If I continue skipping classes, this on my own written words, would ask someone to take my money, buy guns and bullets and shoot me in the head.
I really am very tired of all this.
I don't have much friends.
I am grateful for those that helped me.
I am so happy to have some friends who still helps me.



In the middle of the night, all I want is just a hug.  

Hate

It's so easy to make people hate me. I should do it more.

Let go.

Since it's already too late, I should stop talking to you. But it's so hard to stop it.
I don't want to be the cause of your demise. But i was so happy. I don't want it to end although i know the time will come for the end.

Problems.

I know my problems are just so tiny and minute compare to your huge problems. But all i want is people to talk to. How hard can it be to just listen?
Just because I'm that sensitive, i see things bigger than it suppose to be. Oh, im sorry for wasting so much of your time. Just leave me alone. Isnt it better?

Save me.

There is no one out there that can save me anymore. I am beyond repair. It's for the best for the world when there is no me. I'm so tired of everything. Just so tired.

Leave Me Alone!

This few days, A has been so so so so so damn annoying. I really want to avoid if i can. He gets on my nerves too much and I think i am in the verge of tearing him apart.
It is so hard to cope with this kind of people. I know i will meet more people like him one day but he is just too annoying for me. I really want to scream in his face to leave me alone.
The biggest regret i ever had is electing him as my successor. He is practically so annoying right now. My blood is boiling because of him, I can't sleep, and now, problems just start collapsing above me.
Isn't it better to leave me alone? You all hate me anyway. I'm weird, I talk weird, i look weird, I'm stupid so just go away. Isn't it better like that than to tolerate me?
Just go away.
Just go away.
Leave me alone!

No more.

From these days forth, I will never hang out with you guys anymore, I will never talk to you guys anymore, I will never approach you guys anymore.
I will disappear, I will run away, I will not be anywhere near you guys.
Because I know my existence only taint your happiness.
Thank you for all these time. I think I had enough. And I can guess all of you had enough of me too.

Love

It is such a weird thing. It comes at the weirdest moments, took you by surprise, swept you off your feet, and you landed on your back with either an arm stretched or the cold hard floor waiting for you. It is true that people can leave without love. In this context, it means, love between 2 different, non-related individuals. Love between siblings and family members, pets and other non-existence things are different.

It hurts a lot when all you hear from the one is bla bla bla, this girl, bla bla bla, that girl, bla bla bla, i like her, bla bla bla. I feel like punching you in the guts but that will be impossible. I saw a post in Facebook by one of the animes. It hit really hard on me.

So, now you're going to hate me?

I wish I could. 

Tears won't flow.

I have been watching numerous sad movies, series, whatever I can find. I have been listening to so many sad musics. I have watched the saddest episode for Doctor Who. I still can't seem to get these heavy tears of anguish, pain and sadness flow. Everything is balled up into one huge dark ball, ready to be released. But why wouldn't it release or go away when I want it to be. It is so heavy, keeping it to myself like this. The feeling inside is so painful I really hope i just ask it to go away. Please just go away.

Silence.

Just going to keep quiet and take in all the pain all by myself. Why? Because I have no one. No one wants a stupid, emo, useless, immature friend right?

Update.

Have you ever felt like you are going to literally die, not wake up anymore to see the world tomorrow? I did. A couple of days ago. I thought I am not going to wake up anymore if I sleep. But here I am, still alive, writing this post, hoping that I have died instead.

The world is against you, people look at you like you are crazy, everyone is avoiding you, and all you can do is held back all those sissy useless tears that will bring you nowhere and move on. I stayed in the corner all my life, never going anywhere. Some say they are really shy people. Are you that shy that you can shut up the whole day if anyone did not talk to you first? Are you that shy that no one notices you in their group conversation? Are you that shy that when people just pokes and makes fun of you, you just smile and hopefully the hurt will just go away? A lesson to people out there: when you don't talk a lot, nobody will believe you. They only hear from those that talks a lot.

People thinks I am plain crazy. I get emotionally all the time and gets angry really easily. But can't they ever understand that there is always something behind it that makes me angry at first. And imagine that that anger is kept for decades, ready to explode like a popcorn? All they hear is just a one sided story. And the conclusion is just made by that story. -Hey, let's just ignore her! I hate her emo days. I don't understand why she emos all the time. She is so annoying. On such a small thing, she can emo. It is her fault that this thing happens. She is so stupid.- Let me just go back to my corner, while they have the pleasure of seeing me hurt.

I think of suicide all the time. I mean if i actually drop head first, i think the 3rd floor might already be enough for me. How about cutting my wrist? Hmm. I actually hate slow death. As fast as possible will do. Jumping a building works. Jumping a bridge, nah. The world will definitely be a better place without me, right?

I am currently having a huge depression on my head, I hate studying what I am studying now, but of course I can't tell my parents that I want to quit studying. I actually thought that death is the only way out of this black hole.

She thinks she is always right. I am always the wrong one. All she has to do is just smile and expects forgiveness in the end. She talks to people more than I do, and has more friends, which is a huge advantage to bring my confidence down. Hey, she might be spouting nonsense about me to the world, the hell do I know. You may think, I am the worst to doubt a friend, and a best friend at that. Yeah, sure. Try having a best friend who told everyone the darkest secret of your life to the world. And all she did is smile and apologize. And she still thinks it is my fault that I made her cry.  Just because I never cry, everyone thinks i am the stone cold, useless person. Stereotypes.

I really do want to jump now. Not because I am bitching about my best friend, but because of all the things that is happening to me. I really do want to die.

Never...

I can never beat my sister...
She is the beautiful one, the confident one, and the one that speaks out the most...
All i can do is hide behind the shadow and appear only when the sun is out...
I have failed so many times yet, getting up is always a hassle...
Life is a bitch, what can i do?
I know a lot people will advise me to beat my sister...
But i think she is suited to be on top...
Im nothing, I dun deserve to be there...
Plus i love my sister.. I can never have the heart to do it....
Sometimes, life is so unfair, it pulls you down so low like quicksand...
No one can help you but yourself..
No matter what i do, i always fail..
The ones that helped me a lot are my friends...
I can't even do much...
I can't even pull myself up..
I failed in everything.....
I can't even fulfill a good daughter's job..
I can't even make my parents proud...
While I'm typing this, for the first time, tears flow down naturally...
Not only in my heart.....
I really need a hug now......
Anyone?
Help me.....

I have never been so mad..

see this date properly..
its a date to be remembered by me..
6 August 2011.. 9.55a.m...
look at it long and hard then look at the calender..
its just a normal day right?
normal oni la.. of coz...
i have never been so mad i wanna cry...
everything bottled up just came gushing out..

i dunno is it my upbringing or is it my own fault..
well, most of the time im always the one blaiming myself for all the wrong doing..
but today, i shall become selfish..
i am ditched like F**K today..
is my voice soft?
or wait, ur ears are not made for mine?
hmm?
the whole journey back, i was so mad in my head i can just breakdown on the floor right there and there..
seriously, i think u are damn happy...
so damn happy u feel like jumping up and down..
i know other people are more important...
come on, who will look at me? hmm?
do i have to announce that IM HERE??!!

i got ditched really badly and im still so damn hurt now..
i am always the shy lonely person who cant talk to people..
i dun have much friends..
i go laughing..
i cant even have a friend that i wont doubt except for one..
i cant even talk to people because i might hurt others..
i seriously have pulled myself lower than ever..

and now, this thing happens..
i can actually feel myself jumping down..
ok seriously i need a serious therapy talking..
just because of one small thing, i got into such a serious mode..
u know, i have been living in my lonely world for a very long time..
i cant even find a space that is filled with lights..
except for the spotlight in the far corner just beside me..
and now, everything seems to close apart and im seriously damn sad now..
i can actually feel that im just a normal girl, in everyone's normal life..
im not someone to be thought about..
im not someone that anyone can remember..
remember things back..
i do get ditched a lot of times..

i had sacrifice too much alr..
i listen to other people but never myself..
and when i do, this happens..
u know.. i really do feel suicidal now.. so i better stop writing...
bye bye..


SAD


p/s: if u think it's u, YES, its u!! im pushing this in ur face now.. ITS F**KING YOU!!

Why?

Why think so much when you can ignore?

Why work so hard when you can give up?

Why try your best when it's impossible?

Why put yourself in misery when you can be happy?

Why sad when it's nothing?

Why am I crapping when I'm suppose to be sleeping?


=.=

All I Want To Do Now is Cry..

seriously...
i cant cry..
no matter how badly hurt i am inside but i cant cry...
part of me pushes tears out, part of me pushes tears me..
my head is so messed up now i cant think straight..
i have done the worst thing that i can do in my whole life..
i cant describe it here.. (too personal)

one by one small pieces of me is dropping away into a bottomless pit..
i wonder if i can find anyone who can take it back and repair me..
but i will only be a lifeless zombie..
smiling into space...

the more i write, the more im dying..
so this ends here..
good night people...

A Beautiful Nightmare..

yesterday night was the happiest night i ever had and the worst one i will never forget..

i really feel like giving up now..

after successfully found a perfect guy with everything I expected,

everything came crashing down..

u know.. if and only if i did not have this stupid big fat mouth,

i would have survived and not ruined my petty life..

i doomed my own life..

funny thing is that i thought my sister would understand me..

me, the girl who always put family and friends above her but my first priority is family..

and because of food, everything goes down...

u know..

im so down right now, my sweat feels like tears..

no tears can flow out of my eyes..

im going crazy..

u make me crazy..

i have been messing my brains up..

i couldnt do anything because i was afraid of saying anything wrong..

i pulled myself down too low, i felt like an ostrich..

(put my head in the ground but my body is still there)

im going to make everyone reading this to go emo like me..

ok la.. dats all..

gonna update soon..

but not in the weekend...

going back..

bye peeps..

peace out~

Wanna Know What I Wish To Do Now?

1. bang head on the wall

2. thrash a shop full of glass without getting scolded

3. talk to someone about everything without worrying it will get out

4. jump down a building using bungee jumping

5. sit a roller coaster and yell my lungs out

6. yell my lungs out on top of the hill/mountain

7. shopping

8. emo alone in the corner

9. cry

apparently, im having PMS.. just ignore me..

Dual Personality

I don't want to write this..

but i don't want to write this..

I am sometimes girlish..

but i'm still guyish...

I am a nerd.. I love books..

but i still go out socializing..

I am love both guyish and girlish animes..

I feel like banging my head on the wall..

but that would probably hurt..

I love people's attention..

but i love being a loner...

i am always smiling..

but emoing inside..

im going crazy..

but people just say im weird...

i hate myself..

and love myself at the same time...

Pros And Cons

i have been wanting to post this a looooooooong time alr...

so since im waiting for my anime to stream, i might as well post this..

last 2/3 weeks ago, i found something in my eyes.. i mean the skin outside my eyes which is on the inside part..

so, its kind of a little yellowish thing which freaks me out so much that i though that i will not see light anymore if i sleep..

i did get to sleep though coz i listed out some of the pros and cons of being blind..

there are a few of the things that i will not get to do if i go blind.. 0.0

1. I will not be able to drive.

Pros: i will get someone to drive for me.. yay!!

Cons: i have to pay him/her... MY WHOLE LIFE!

2. I will not get to blog. Typing will be hard. (except if i can memorize all the abc on the keyboard and avoid any mistakes will typing fast)

Pros: i wont get to blog.

Cons: i wont get to BLOG!!!

3. I will never get to read the menu when i'm eating in a restaurant.

Pros: somebody else will pick for me out of 10 choices so i dun have to choose (i hate choosing).

Cons: what if she/ he order something i hate. (i kill you)

4. I wont know where the cutleries and my glass of water will be.

Pros: pampering, pampering.

Cons: i cant enjoy my meal without spilling somwthingor dropping my food on the floor/table.. hate it..

5. I cant read my books.

Pros: THERE IS NO PROS IN HERE!!

Cons: i cant read my books.. except if there is someone who will read to me (i dun like people reading to me) or if they translate it to the what-you-call-dots-for-blind-people-to-read dots (still cant beat the joy of reading abc on paper).

6. I cant go on Facebook.

Pros: FREE from Facebook addiction..

Cons: Alone?

7. I cant enjoy sceneries in so many places especially places i want to go.

Pros: well, at least there will be someone who will accompany me on my journey.. i still can breathe the air?

Cons: why go on a holiday when u cant see anything?

8. I cant watch animes.

Pros: THERE ARE ALSO NO PROS IN THIS KIND OF THINGS..

Cons: i cant watch animes.. Oh, horror.. Even if i learn Japanese, i wont understand the whooshing and the swatting noises..

9. No more classes?

Pros: NO MORE EARLY CLASSES!!

Cons: i need to work?

10: Stay home all day.

Pros: Lazy.

Cons: alone....

ok dats a few of the pros and cons for being blind..

bye peeps..

XDDD

p/s: if i did get blind i need to close my blog.. maybe.. hopefully not...