Dream

This is the first time something like this happened to me.
As I walked towards the door, I put my hand and pushed hard on it. It was difficult at first. How can this small door be this hard to open, I thought. I grind my teeth and continued pushing. A ray of red light came through the small crack. And slowly, the small door swung opened. The next thing I saw was a the red sun shining brightly on top of a high mountain. The barren land lay dead in front of me. The land is dry. The sun must have dried it all up. There is a river of red water runs through the land. I stared at it closely and noticed that it is running blood. Grabbing my hand out quickly, I stumbled into a nearby rock and cut my back. Before I could react to it, a sudden tsunami wave of brown water rushed towards me. I was pushed all the way back to the door. I held on tight to the side of the door to avoid getting washed away. As the flow subsides, I re-positioned myself and squat at the side of the door. The brown water was hot and every part of me that hit the water is burning. I whispered to myself to reduce the pain. Suddenly, another huge wave appeared and splashed straight at me. This time, I screamed silently as the water passed through me. I held my knees together tightly and tried to persevere through the pain. I sighed in relief as the pain recedes. I open my eyes and realized I am in my room. I thought this may be a dream. There is a short sharp pain behind my back and I saw a long cut right down my spine through the mirror. Is it a dream or is it true?




You have no idea that I just described my bowel movement. Haha.

...

Wrong.

What have I done wrong? Did I not do enough? Ugh. This is killing me.

Being in love.

Expectations

Whatever I do, I must not expect too high or too far. Anything can happen. So, by not expecting at all, I won't be disappointed.

Dream

Last night, I was stressed out from your comment on how I should initiate more instead of him doing everything.
I am originally a very shy person. It is hard for me to start a conversation nonetheless, continue one.
Even using a social media, it is tough.
But for him, I guess I will try harder.
And last night, due to the stress, I dreamed that we broke up. I was like 'what' when I woke up. Can't really remember any of it.
Refuse to.

Insecurities.

It is not easy to get used to something new. I'm already hating myself. Now, I have t learn how to love someone else. Have to work hard on that.
Every single mistake that I make, makes me think that it might disappoint him.
Every words that I said, makes me think that he might hate me for it.
I have to think before I act, before I speak.
I am so scared of everything and there is no one else to help me but myself.
I need to buckle myself up for this.
I don't want to give up.
But i am afraid of losing him.
Being too cautious is really giving me a headache.
Apparently, holding a conversation with him is the key to the relationship, yet that is the hardest thing for me.
Need to learn more on how to talk.
I really hope this will go away.
Please go away, stupid insecure feelings.

Share The Love.

It is the happiest thing in the world to be able to share the love with someone important. It is important to stress that a relationship is all about appreciation and sharing the love you have for yourself with that special someone. It's not about receiving love and wanting to fill the empty hole in your heart. 

Sometimes, when I miss you, I would look at your pictures. Now, I sound like a stalker. Hahaha.

I take things quite intensely so any words that he share, I tend to interpret it as a love message. It may be not one but i prefer to keep it that way.

I must keep my expectation low so I won't get disappointed.

I must always forgive. By forgiving, only one can move on. It's not only for a relationship, its also for friendship, family and even pets.

I really hope this will last longer, if possible forever. Must try to make it work all the way. 

Fucked up

I just fucked up my whole life. Once a bright student, now I find myself a disappointment.
Due to my increasing level of laziness, I did the following:

• Skipped too many classes
• No assignment group mates which causes me to miss out 20 marks.
• Fall back on my studies.

This semester has been hard for me. I am a very lazy person in nature. And karma hits me back double. I have been counted lucky a few times. I guess this is where my luck is gone. I shouldn't have relied on luck too much.
Sometimes, I do think of giving up and just suicide. But this won't change anything. It will still make my family and friends sad. I have to buckle up and try to score this semester.
If I continue skipping classes, this on my own written words, would ask someone to take my money, buy guns and bullets and shoot me in the head.
I really am very tired of all this.
I don't have much friends.
I am grateful for those that helped me.
I am so happy to have some friends who still helps me.



In the middle of the night, all I want is just a hug.  

Hate

It's so easy to make people hate me. I should do it more.

Let go.

Since it's already too late, I should stop talking to you. But it's so hard to stop it.
I don't want to be the cause of your demise. But i was so happy. I don't want it to end although i know the time will come for the end.

Wow.

Wow, when i just had the thought of you when i am reading my blog, you just had to suddenly appear from hangout. Wow. How am I going to forget you?

Love.

Love is kind, love is sweet,
Love is cruel and defeat.
Love is not only for couples,
Love is getting friends out of trouble.
Love is know when to let go,
Love is just to let it flow.
Love is me and Love is you,
Love is always something new. 

Too late.

Wow. Another too late case. Alright. Okay. Take it like a man, girl!

Problems.

I swear to you, from this day forth, i shall not relay my problems to anyone. Because there is no one out there i can trust anymore.

Problems.

I know my problems are just so tiny and minute compare to your huge problems. But all i want is people to talk to. How hard can it be to just listen?
Just because I'm that sensitive, i see things bigger than it suppose to be. Oh, im sorry for wasting so much of your time. Just leave me alone. Isnt it better?

Sorry.

I am sorry I can't love you the way you did but I hope one day you will find someone who will.

Save me.

There is no one out there that can save me anymore. I am beyond repair. It's for the best for the world when there is no me. I'm so tired of everything. Just so tired.

Leave Me Alone!

This few days, A has been so so so so so damn annoying. I really want to avoid if i can. He gets on my nerves too much and I think i am in the verge of tearing him apart.
It is so hard to cope with this kind of people. I know i will meet more people like him one day but he is just too annoying for me. I really want to scream in his face to leave me alone.
The biggest regret i ever had is electing him as my successor. He is practically so annoying right now. My blood is boiling because of him, I can't sleep, and now, problems just start collapsing above me.
Isn't it better to leave me alone? You all hate me anyway. I'm weird, I talk weird, i look weird, I'm stupid so just go away. Isn't it better like that than to tolerate me?
Just go away.
Just go away.
Leave me alone!

No more.

From these days forth, I will never hang out with you guys anymore, I will never talk to you guys anymore, I will never approach you guys anymore.
I will disappear, I will run away, I will not be anywhere near you guys.
Because I know my existence only taint your happiness.
Thank you for all these time. I think I had enough. And I can guess all of you had enough of me too.

Quirkiness and Weirdness.

Is it me or people just can't handle weirdness? I admit I am very weird. I mumble to myself, sometimes i yell and scream at the smallest problem, I can laugh at anything, I am amused by the smallest joke, I can get really cranky at times, I get pissed off easily, I find people annoying and I hate going out because I hate people. I hate people because of the ugliness of the world where everyone would do anything to get what they want or people that has no empathy or sympathy, people who are always self-centered and stingy, power and money minded people. It is just unbearable to go outside and face this kinds of things.

I agree that there is so much more than what I see. There is love and friendship and so much more but ugliness has already clouded my mind and I don't see any solution of things becoming better.

Back to topic, I tend to speak or talk really loudly unintentionally. People will avoid me at all cost. I lose a friend because of that. I tend to not take care of my looks. People avoid me. I tend to not talk to other people because I am shy. People ignore me. I hate arguments so I always kept quiet when someone wants to argue with me. People just walk away and never looked back.

A lot of people can never understand me. They won't accept me for who I am. They want me to change into the same image of every other human beings on the planet. I am sorry but I can't do that. I am who I am. I won't start wearing make-up because you tell me too. I won't stop eating what I want just because you say I am fat. I won't wear a skirt because I have my reasons and I don't even think it's nice. So, right now, I will have to learn how to 'don't give a damn' to people out there. Hate me, I still can survive alone. I am LoneRangerZz for a reason.

p/s: If you know me so well, I ask you this. What is my favourite colour?

Friends.

I somehow loses my friends very easily. One, they moved away. Two, lost contact with them. Three, they forgets about me. Four, they avoid me because of my attitude.
I get really really sad when i lose a friend. It's true that people will leave you anytime, anywhere, but it's still so sad when one leaves. It's like a part of you just dies off. And scrapping that part off is not easy.
But what can I do. It's not like i can force them to stay. It's not like they will listen to me. Everyone has to move on one day. It's so sad.

I have a friend who doesn't even think I am a friend. i got ignored. It is the saddest feeling when it happens. Can't people just tell me in my face when they don't want me around? It's better to just tell me.

Karma's a bitch.

Rory Williams

I once had my own Rory, till I turn stupid and let him go. 

Love

It is such a weird thing. It comes at the weirdest moments, took you by surprise, swept you off your feet, and you landed on your back with either an arm stretched or the cold hard floor waiting for you. It is true that people can leave without love. In this context, it means, love between 2 different, non-related individuals. Love between siblings and family members, pets and other non-existence things are different.

It hurts a lot when all you hear from the one is bla bla bla, this girl, bla bla bla, that girl, bla bla bla, i like her, bla bla bla. I feel like punching you in the guts but that will be impossible. I saw a post in Facebook by one of the animes. It hit really hard on me.

So, now you're going to hate me?

I wish I could. 

Tears won't flow.

I have been watching numerous sad movies, series, whatever I can find. I have been listening to so many sad musics. I have watched the saddest episode for Doctor Who. I still can't seem to get these heavy tears of anguish, pain and sadness flow. Everything is balled up into one huge dark ball, ready to be released. But why wouldn't it release or go away when I want it to be. It is so heavy, keeping it to myself like this. The feeling inside is so painful I really hope i just ask it to go away. Please just go away.

Gotye- Hearts A Mess 

Pick apart

The pieces of your heart

And let me peer inside

Let me in

Where only your thoughts have been

Let me occupy your mind

As you do mine

Your heart's a mess

You won't admit to it

It makes no sense

But I'm desperate to connect

You can't live like this

You have lost

(Too much love)

To fear, doubt and distrust

(It's not enough)

You just threw away the key

To your heart

You don't get burned

('Cause nothing gets through)

It makes it easier

(Easier on you)

But that much more difficult for me

To make you see

Love ain't fair

So there you are

My love

You heart's a mess

You won't admit to it

It makes no sense 

But I'm desperate to connect

And you, you can't live like this

You heart's a mess

You won't admit to it

It makes no sense 

But I'm desperate to connect

And you, you can't live like this

Love ain't safe 

You won't get hurt of you stay chaste

So you can wait

But I don't wanna waste my love

The meaning for this video is quite easy to understand. Gotye is trying to connect to a person and mend his/her heart. The first one is a 'victim' carried away by canniblas. It signifies imprisonment or being controlled. The second one is a broken stork. It signifies abortion and impotence. The third one is a woodcutter in a jungle full of eyes. It signifies that the woodcutter is lost in the jungle full of eyes which are judgmental people. The eyes that are always looking at you, making you feel down. The fourth one is a crane knocking houses down. It signifies anger and depression. The fifth one is a 'victim' on an ice, trying to row to shore. It signifies hopelessness, trying to reach out to someone for help. The sixth one is a ghost appearing out of grave. It signifies death of a loved one. As they continue, they climbed onto each other and flew into space. This means relieving the person from all the six sufferings. The spider closed the heart with a drape signifying a new start, a new beginning. So Gotye, leads the six sufferings out of the person's heart, creating a new beginning for him/her. 

Too late

Apparently, I am 2 days too late into appealing for my attendance. I can't do anything anymore. Probably barred for 2 papers. And one of it is a paper that I retake. Looks like I am going to graduate late. Like really late. I am really really sorry. I don't know how much I felt sorry for my parents hard work and all. And it all happen because of me. My stupid lazy attitude.
Terrible terrible week.